Friday, January 30, 2009

Thank goodness for...

a sweet husband who lets me cry on his shoulder, makes me laugh, brings me flowers, gives me endless hugs and kisses and gives me the strength to keep going.

a mom who will let me talk about my IVF frustrations at nauseam, cry on the phone as long as I want and never rushes me off, doesn't mind when I am emotional and always knows just the right thing to say to make me feel better

a dad who always calls me and cares about ever little detail in our lives and always makes homemade bread each week

amazing mom and dad-in-law who love and support Colin and I endlessly

brothers and sisters, neices and nephews

friends like you who give me strength through your kind words and positive examples.

chocolate chip cookie dough (that never fails a broken heart)

Wilson Philips song "Hold on" (I love this song as it brings me back to my childhood and it always comes on the radio just when I need to hear it)

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

losing hope

I have tried so hard to stay positive, to have faith and to be strong but today I am none of those things and I don't even feel like trying to be.
About 2 weeks ago Colin called the lady in charge of the scholarship applications to give her our new address. At that time he asked whether the committee has meet yet or will be meeting soon and she was unable to give us any information. At that time I was pretty devastated because she had told me back around Christmas that the committee would be meeting the first few weeks of Jan. So being mid-Jan and she still had no idea my hope began to dwindle. However I made a decision to push through the disappointment for a little while longer and stay positive.
Then last Sat I received an email from a friend of mine who also applied for the scholarship saying that they got a letter that they were candidates but had to meet with a social worker for the final okay(which I am so happy for them, truly). So I just thought the committee had meet and that my letter was sure to be in the mail too. Well my letter never came Saturday or Monday and now I know it is not coming, there is no letter for us in the near future.
Today I called the lady and came to find out that she never followed-up with the clinic to get my FSH levels (although I called her a month ago to tell her my results were in and they were normal, and she said that she was going to call the clinic and get them for my application, that was a month ago!!!). I asked her if that error cost us losing the chance to be eligiable when the committee meet a few weeks ago and how much longer until they meet again. She gave me a lot of "I don't knows", "I have no ideas", "I am not sure" etc. After a 10-minute, frustrating, conversation with her she told me that we will have to wait until the committee meets again and she doesn't have any idea when they will meet next. I reminded her that we have been waiting over 8 months, that didn't seem to phase her one bit. She left me with no hope and no constructive information to even work with. Will it be another month, 2 months 8 months? I am in the dark just as much as I was before I talked with her, just like we have been for the past 8 months but the difference this time is that I am losing hope that we will even know. I am beyond heartbroken, upset and my faith is wearing thin.