8 months 10 days

While making dinner on Tuesday night Colin called my name. I went in to his office to see him crying and on the phone with his brother. He handed me the phone and told me to talk to Spencer. Spencer then began to read me the letter. The letter we have been waiting for all these months! (We used Colin's mom and dad's house as our mailing address so the letter arrived there and his brother knew what it was so called us) The letter says that we are recipients of one IVF cycle pending a home study visit with a social worker. We called the social worker the next day and made our appt. which is scheduled for March 10th! After he meets with us it could take up to a month for him to get everything back to the committee for the final okay. After that we can start our IVF meds and prepare for the cycle. So we are hoping to start the meds by April and if all goes well do the implantation in May! We are so EXCITED, so GRATEFUL and humbled by the kindness and generosity of others who are willing to help us start our family!

Thank goodness for...

a sweet husband who lets me cry on his shoulder, makes me laugh, brings me flowers, gives me endless hugs and kisses and gives me the strength to keep going.


a mom who will let me talk about my IVF frustrations at nauseam, cry on the phone as long as I want and never rushes me off, doesn't mind when I am emotional and always knows just the right thing to say to make me feel better


a dad who always calls me and cares about ever little detail in our lives and always makes homemade bread each week


amazing mom and dad-in-law who love and support Colin and I endlessly


brothers and sisters, neices and nephews


friends like you who give me strength through your kind words and positive examples.



chocolate chip cookie dough (that never fails a broken heart)


Wilson Philips song "Hold on" (I love this song as it brings me back to my childhood and it always comes on the radio just when I need to hear it)

losing hope

I have tried so hard to stay positive, to have faith and to be strong but today I am none of those things and I don't even feel like trying to be.
About 2 weeks ago Colin called the lady in charge of the scholarship applications to give her our new address. At that time he asked whether the committee has meet yet or will be meeting soon and she was unable to give us any information. At that time I was pretty devastated because she had told me back around Christmas that the committee would be meeting the first few weeks of Jan. So being mid-Jan and she still had no idea my hope began to dwindle. However I made a decision to push through the disappointment for a little while longer and stay positive.
Then last Sat I received an email from a friend of mine who also applied for the scholarship saying that they got a letter that they were candidates but had to meet with a social worker for the final okay(which I am so happy for them, truly). So I just thought the committee had meet and that my letter was sure to be in the mail too. Well my letter never came Saturday or Monday and now I know it is not coming, there is no letter for us in the near future.
Today I called the lady and came to find out that she never followed-up with the clinic to get my FSH levels (although I called her a month ago to tell her my results were in and they were normal, and she said that she was going to call the clinic and get them for my application, that was a month ago!!!). I asked her if that error cost us losing the chance to be eligiable when the committee meet a few weeks ago and how much longer until they meet again. She gave me a lot of "I don't knows", "I have no ideas", "I am not sure" etc. After a 10-minute, frustrating, conversation with her she told me that we will have to wait until the committee meets again and she doesn't have any idea when they will meet next. I reminded her that we have been waiting over 8 months, that didn't seem to phase her one bit. She left me with no hope and no constructive information to even work with. Will it be another month, 2 months 8 months? I am in the dark just as much as I was before I talked with her, just like we have been for the past 8 months but the difference this time is that I am losing hope that we will even know. I am beyond heartbroken, upset and my faith is wearing thin.

Sunday morning lab draw

Well day 3 didn't fall on Christmas, instead it fell on today, Sunday. Colin was with me because he came to pick me up from work. I just got off of my night shift (3rd night in a row and so exhausted) this morning and went to the lab. They were closed but I was able to page the lab techs from the inpatient units to come draw my blood. They could not find my order from the clinic even though I called on Monday and the lab had it then. So they paged the on-call doctor to get the order. When the on-call doctor called he said he could not give an order for me but to call one of the docs from my clinic. I was worried that none of the doctors would be on-call on Sunday but luckily one of them was able to call and give the verbal order for me to get my FSH and estradiol taken. It took 1 hour (which really should have been 15 minutes) to get it all sorted out but I wasn't about to wait another month! Sigh of relief, that is done! Once they get my results we go back to waiting.
As I sat in the lab this morning with Colin I was so excited for the new year to come as we continue to embark on this IVF road. I am hopeful the committee will meet shortly after the new year and continue to pray that we can be chosen as recipients. We are so ready to start IVF!

FSH

Today I was out Christmas shopping and I got a call from the coordinator. She told me that my FSH levels had not been drawn which is one of the qualifiers for the scholarship. I don't know how we missed this. I thought we had done everything we needed to but apparently not. I just figured somewhere in all of the blood work the clinic had all the information they needed. The coordinator was reassuring though. All of my nursing books are packed away but my understanding is that the follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) stimulates production of eggs and indicates the age of the ovaries or the ovarian reserve (aka if you have enough ovaries and if they are in good shape). FSH levels are also used to determine the production of sperm in a male, Colin's levels were normal. I wanted to run into the lab today and get it done but the catch is that it has to be drawn on day 3 of your menstrual cycle. Luckily I am on birth control now and I start my sugar pills Monday. Meaning that my period should start soon and I am just hoping that day 3 doesn't fall on Christmas because I don't know if the lab will be open. Ahhhhh, the stress! But it is exciting at the same time because it means that the committee will probably be meeting soon. I suspect after the holidays.

Merry Christmas!

If any you are even still reading this...I can't believe that it has been 2 months since I last posted! Sorry. Honestly it is because I have nothing to post about. Colin spoke with the coordinator for the scholarship committee sometime in November and she said she was hopeful that the committee would meet by the end of the year. Now it is 2 weeks away from being the end of the year and we have not heard anything. We turned in our application 6 months ago. We are fine and really there is nothing we can do except try to focus on other things and enjoy all the blessings we do have. We've been busy with getting our house in shape, working, spending time together, getting ready for Christmas etc. There are many things in life that we have control over but with this issue it is completely out of our control and in the Lord's hands. There is nothing more we can do but wait. Although I wonder "when?" very often, I do have faith that the Lord knows best and will provide when the time is right. I am grateful for this Christmas season and wish you all the very happiest and best! I hope to have more exciting news during 2009! Merry Christmas!

Just some thoughts

Some days are fine, some days it's hard playing this waiting game.  It's almost been 4 months since we applied for the IVF scholarship.  I wonder, with the holidays approaching, if we won't find out until after the new year?    Sometimes its difficult to see so many others around me getting pregnant and having babies because I want it to be me so badly.  I strive to keep everything in perspective though that it will all work and have faith that one day it will be my turn too. Why is so hard to just enjoy and live in the present moment? I feel like I am always focusing on the future and what I want. I need to continually remind myself to enjoy this time in life; being young and married, done with school, buying our first home etc. There is so much to be grateful for right now. I need to worry less and enjoy the many blessings right in front of me.

"I don't believe that God never meant for me not to have children.  That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on... Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution..." ~Author Unknown

Thank you to a new friend for letting me borrow this quote from her blog.